belly dancer

Holding on and holding out...for what?

It occurred to me sometime around the ass-crack of dawn this morning that I keep waiting and waiting for something that isn't going to change. Prior to this revelation it was just waiting for my partner to have a job because then it wouldn't be so hard to make the bills each month. Prior to that it was waiting for soccer season to be over so that I could actually see her at all. Now here we are in the swing of things--she has not one but two jobs and soccer is over...and yet? I still don't get to see her, nor do we really have any extra money. So this is what it's like being a grown up, eh? Two people who are so in love with each other (and rest assured that I AM so in love with her. I want to spend my life with her.) working their asses off so that they can stay together and be comfortable and happy and yet...because they're working their asses off they don't see each other? How is that supposed to make anything better?

I just broke down and cried last night because I was so excited that I got off work early and would get to spend time with her--only to realize that she needed sleep because she'd agreed to take her friend to the airport at some ridiculous hour this morning. I lost it. I don't know why, but I did. It just feels like I'm swimming against the tide. I work a lot of overtime at work. My shifts are no less than 9 hours and I pull at least one 10-12 hour shift a week. Any time work is offered--I take it, because I know we need it. Today Ashley is working 7 hours on one shift and then 4-5 on another one. By the time I come home she'll be so exhausted she can hardly communicate clearly. We'll both be irritated because we're tired and we'll start snapping at each other because one of us will take the other's comment out of context. There's not even a reason for us to fight. It's ridiculous, this being grown thing. In another month we'll add school back on top of our jobs. Then the fighting will commence about studying and getting projects and papers done because I am a very type-A (and straight-A if I can help it) student and at this point she just wants to get out of their with a diploma. This will be made even MORE fun by the fact that my laptop is shot to hell and my desktop doesn't work worth a damn either. And then...the bills. I have been far too irresponsible with money the last few months and it's making things hard on me now. After January I'll finally be out of the holes I've put myself in and after that I just have to work on staying out of them. I have to convince her to stay out of the same holes as well because with combined finances we're responsible for the shit the other person gets into.

I'm just so frustrated with everything, and the root of all of it: money. Our economy sucks and money sucks for everyone right now. I'm blessed to have a job that pays well for the market around here. My job is secure. My job alone can support us IF we're careful with our finances, which we blatantly haven't been. I need to sit down and look very hard at our budget to make allowances out for the frivolous things we've been doing and then stick to it. Again, I hate being grown. We had considered buying a house this summer if our finances were in order, but honestly, that's just another stress right now that I can't mentally cope with. I'm good with finding another, albeit larger, apartment at the end of our lease here. Our apartment now is large for a one-bedroom but it's far too small to hold everything. Thus--everything is a cluttered mess and no matter how much I try to catch up or keep up with housework...it just never ends. By the time I've even washed all of the laundry (forget putting it away), there's already another three loads ready to go. Dishes are worse because we don't have a dishwasher and I hate HATE touching dirty dishes. I'll put clean ones away all day long but touching the dirty ones freak me out. And yet, what choice do I have? Because as bad as touching dirty dishes freaks me out getting wet freaks Ashley out more and she point-blank refuses to wash dishes and will be in a completely pissy mood if I can convince her to help. It's not worth it. I'd rather just wash them myself. I need to vacuum, sweep, mop...prove that I have a floor in any of the three rooms in our house beneath various piles of clothes, boxes, and bags. I'm about to snap.

So this weekend--it's on. Ashley has some dance recital thing to do on Saturday night and has to work on Sunday--but I...I have nothing. So this house is going to be seriously ravaged. The sheer amount of shit I plan on getting rid of is staggering and I don't plan on taking any prisoners. This is probably going to cause another fight, but at this point...I don't care. I can fight all day long, and this time I'm going to win. I can't live in this house looking like this. I'm too mentally tired from my job to have to come home and then wrap my head around how I can stand living like a hobo and not do anything about it. So that's it, I'm done. I'm declaring war on my house and by God it's going to be amazing by Sunday night. I just need a lot of prayer to get me through Thursday and Friday.

...after that. I'm declaring war on my body (again) and my sleep schedule. 2009 is coming up fast and I need to be in the position to hit the ground running. No warm-ups this time.
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woe cake, who made this??

sdoiusdf;lasjdfDIENORTONDIE

Hi, I'm going to throw my laptop. :) Windows says OH HAY THAR U HAZ TROJAN MAAAAAANZ. Norton is like "I don't see anything lalalalalalalalalalala" and every time I try to open IE it's like "YOU DUMB BITCH I TOL' YOU THATCHO SECURITY IS COMPROMISED!!" and closes. So that leaves me trying to navigate she_inspired_me's effing mac to download the spyware programs I want and then transfer them onto my computer. Of course I have to get my ass handed to me by the mac first so I can scream at it for a few minutes. Now...I wait while scans happen (on the mac...sigh) because Norton again said LOL NOPE NOTHING THERE to see if these other two programs are more intelligent than the one that I paid for. This is most off-putting. And with that, I'm going to shower and go to work.
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    pissed off pissed off
belly dancer

So where we left off...

Gosh it's been a while since I've posted. What a slacker. I didn't end up working over 100 hours that week like I'd posted I would. In fact I only ended up working a little less than 80. My grandpa died and I had to attend the funeral. It was sad, but the family was ready and so was he.

Also since the last post I celebrated the one year mark with my amazing partner she_inspired_me. She made me a fantastic anniversary "treasure chest" filled with lots of cute little things that reminded her of our relationship from the past year. She put clues in my favorite childhood book so I had to read through it and go "hunting" in the treasure chest for what went with each clue. It was incredibly sweet. I got her the wii and wii fit, which we've both had fun playing with.

On the weight front, I've lost 13 lbs. w00t! This excites me immensely. So that's only what...another 80 lbs to go? I don't think I'll ever get to the 150 mark. I'm good at about 165. I like my features rounded out. It just works better with the way I'm build structurally.

...it seemed like I had a lot more to say here buuuuut I lost my train of thought so...meh.

Random thoughts: Alice/Bella and Carlisle/Bella...way hotter on Twifandom if you must go there. I mean come ON. Alice is just pretty much the greatest character in the book and Carlisle? Daddy issues AHOY!! Also for the haters who are going to think less of me for reading the books: Stuff it. I can read it with a sense of humor, okay? It's like crack and I realize it's probably the most ridiculous thing on this earth but I just don't know how to quit it. Don't judge me. :(
belly dancer

Weekend? We don't need no stinkin' weekend!

Epic fail. Today is Wednesday, Nov 5th. I will not have a day off until Friday, Nov 14th. This will include a working 4p-12a on Sunday, followed by going back to work for a 16 hour double shift on Monday from 8a-12a. I can only hope that my boss will have mercy and let me go home at 10 when the girls have gone to bed and the other shift worker is there, but I'm not holding my breath. I may also get lucky and convince one of the part time girls to come in from 4-12 to make up some hours. I hope. I really really hope. I don't want to work a double shift after working 7 days straight and still have Tues, Weds, and Thurs. However...four day weekend, which will be made of awesome and win.

I'll clock over 100 hours on this pay period when I sign my time card. A shame that a lot of that will get eaten with taxes and my pension, but hey--it's never to early to start saving for the future. I've saved nearly $500 in the three months I've been working and since I never get the money, I never miss it. It's been a good thing. I should consider investing. I need to call my financial advisor. Hell. When did I have to start doing all this grown up stuff? Bollocks!

As an aside, because I have to mention it--I'm so pleased that Obama won. I certainly never thought I'd see the day when we had a black president but I am amazed and so over the moon that people overcame prejudices in order to vote him into office. I think this country needed a breath of fresh air and someone new in the political arena to move past the old ways of the past and hopefully towards a better future. The state of the world, the state of our country...it's not the same as it's always been. We need more dynamic approaches to the problems facing us. For once, I feel like there is hope that there will be a change.

With that said, I'm really disappointed at all the gay marriage bans that passed and the "no adoptions for unmarried couples" read: gays. You're not that clever, Arkansas. I see what you did there. But we're not done. We will not be silently swept under the rug. I know *I* certainly won't. I am not a second-class citizen. I am not "less" because I'm a lesbian. I deserve the same rights as everyone else--I certainly pay the same taxes as everyone else! It's not even a marriage issue to me. I don't care if I step foot in a church and have a priest do it or not (although I have one that would. :) ) but on a federal, governmental level, my rights should be recognized. Don't call it marriage if it freaks you out. Call it a civil union, domestic partnership, whatever. As long as my rights are the same rights as those married individuals. There is no reason that states should be voting on this. It's not a state's rights issue. It's a HUMAN rights issue and the government needs to stop pussyfooting around it and worrying about pissing off the church and give me my damned rights as a human being. There is no reason I should be contained to one state or another because my partnership is recognized or not. Fuck that. Recognize it wherever I go and stfu. My partnership does not affect YOUR marriage. I'm not going to unravel the fabric of "traditional family". Heteros do that well enough with their sky-high divorce rates. So kindly go away and give me my rights. Thanks! Love your hair.
belly dancer

Finally, the weekend!

I'm so glad this week is over y'all, seriously. One thing after another.

Monday: my coworker was v. sick...girls were actually in a great mood.

Tuesday: coworker still sick...girls still in a good mood, thank God.

Wednesday: FAMILY NIGHT, because the girls aren't pissy enough without their pissy ass parents around (I'm not serious with that statement, most of the parents are very nice and friendly, particularly A's and M's moms.) No, it was just the girls acting like they'd lost their minds and had no idea about the group home rules--fine, whatever, we get through it. We also get in a new girl, J. J has some pretty serious mental issues, including reactive attachment disorder and is borderline MR (mentally retarded). Fortunately since she came in on that night it was easy to have a lot of staff pay attention to her and welcome her to the group home because the parents and therapist were keeping my other little hellions busy.

Thursday: I go talk to my advisor at school--I don't have to take that French Lit class, yay! I only have to take two more classes to graduate--double yay! So I'm going to take Human Sexuality and Marriage and the Family. I walk home, a mile, from school to the house and then take a nap prior to work. I wake up from a two hour nap only to find that I've gone from feeling perfectly healthy to dying. These girls really have just straight up lost their damn minds. Everyone with the attitude tonight. Had to tell A to wipe that smartass smirk off her face when she talks to me. She continued being hateful, we put her ass out in the hallway at a tiny little table with some busy work on social skills to do. And she gets to sit out there for three or so hours. Sucks to be her. Go away now.

Friday: I have the flu. omg. Well, A is better at least. M is in a good moood for a change and is so painfully pregnant that I don't know how she'll make it to the 10th. BipolarK is...bipolar, want to slap her today. LoudmouthK...is loud, and irritating, and got pissed at me because her mom wouldn't answer the phone. That's because she probably doesn't want to talk to you. Shaving night is also on Fridays, yay, everyone take turns in the front bathroom with the door open and me sitting right there. No, you can't shave your vajayjay--no one in here wants to see that, and you're not getting any, so stfu. And then J...goes slice. With coworker sitting right there. Oh, no big deal, a lot of people cut themselves shaving...except like that, because it was a vertical cut like she'd turned the razor sideways. J is a known cutter. We confront her--she admits to doing it on purpose because she was having a "flashback". We don't make a big deal out of it, just bandage her and send her on her way...this does not please her because she's used to people freaking out. Then, I have to go with her to take a shower and make her leave the door open while I supervise. Yay for child pr0n? Negative. I brought in scary movies, so they watched An American Haunting and The Others. I spend an hour filling out the new med sheets for November (boo), and then I ended up writing all 5 shift progress notes instead of just 2 or 3 because I was bored and killing time while my coworkers and boss talked. Left work, drove around because Ashley wasn't home and I didn't want to go home by myself. Give up, go home finally and she arrives a few minutes later being towed by a friend. Yay, drunken, puking girlfriends. She's currently passed out in the bathroom floor. Overall though, the day managed not to suck, which is awesome, aside from the flu, which is fail on a stick.

Hoping to feel better tomorrow since Ash and I have plans to get our singstar on over at Mel's house. ♥
belly dancer

and I'm done :D

I got my early voting on this afternoon. Only 8 min and 26 sec from the time I walked into the building until the time I got my "I voted" sticker and walked out. In my county more people have voted in the eary voting in the last 6 days than ANYONE voted in the '06 election. I think it's awesome that so many people are letting their votes count--regardless of their vote. It's not just a right, y'all, it's a civic duty. And now...off to work.
belly dancer

my registration--let me show you it

I got my new voter's reg card in the mail today. Yay! Now I can go and do that whole early voting thing before the end of the month. This also pleases me greatly.

We're getting a new girl into the group home today. From what I hear she's just a hot mess but is funny as hell. This I am also looking forward to as a break from the whiny-ass drama queens I have in there now. Oooooh I'm pregnant. Oooooh my mouth hurts and I need more pain medication. Oooooh everything hurts ALL the time and EVERYONE hates me. *facepalm* Gotta love teenage girls. They've got more drama than you can possibly believe. I really don't remember being THIS dramatic at that age, although my mother assures me that I was. Thank God I can just sit back now and laugh at it.
belly dancer

in which Ella actually loves her job

Today made my job worth all the irritation and frustration. I got a letter from a girl who just left (after asking her where it was--she left it in her drawer, lol) and it was so sweet. I'm sure, knowing her, that half of it was probably BS, or at least most people there would tell me that, but I think that it's just best that I believe she meant it because that makes me feel like I'm doing some good in the world. I don't have the letter with me as I write this, so I can't do it word for word, but I'm going to do the gist because seriously? I cried. ETA the whole letter. :)

Amanda,
Heller! How are you durin? (this is an inside joke for us at the group home) Haha, I'm gonna miss you Amanda. You always crack me up, but I know I will be talking to you on myspace. Thank you for helping me with everything. I look up to you. You've helped me do the thing I would never do, stop cussing lol. Please show patience w/the girls they're struggling the same way I did. It's hard. You have the perfect job and you're very good at it. You're a beautiful person and I'm gonna miss our sillyness! Madear! I love you! Don't forget about me.

I SERIOUSLY CRIED PEOPLE! It was incredibly touching. I was expecting something about "Oh, I'll miss you. You're funny. Talk to you soon" but not all that. It melts my little frozen heart. Hehe. So yes, I just thought I'd share because as much as I bitch about wanting to strangle my girls I really do like my job most of the time and this is just the icing on the cake. ♥
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    touched touched