dream_inspired (dream_inspired) wrote,
dream_inspired
dream_inspired

Revelation

Y'all, I'm an idiot. I can't believe it took me until almost 25 to realize this plain and simple truth in life: I control my own happiness. For my whole life I've lived for other people doing things to make them happy and content and I never really bothered doing it for myself. Even now, in the midst of another rough patch between me and Ashley (Oh, I never mentioned we got back together in April, did I? Well, we did.) which is mostly my fault all I can do is ask "What can I do to fix this? How can I make you happy" and the answer has been there all along. My depression is what drives her away--how sad, negative, and generally miserable I am. So what can I do to fix it and make her happy? Duh. I need to make myself happy. How can I expect to give anyone a level of fulfillment and happiness when I can't find it in myself? That's silly. If I'm sad and depressed all the time, how could anyone be happy around me? It's like a black hole.

So here is my stand: I'm going to start taking care of myself. Not that I will stop taking care of others, because I do enjoy it, but there are things where I'm going to let them fend for themselves instead of trying to do for everyone. I'm going to stop worrying about how other people perceive me or my actions--not to say that I will be careless or inconsiderate, but I will not let the opinions of others remain the be-all and end-all of what I do. I will give myself permission to do things that make me happy regardless of what I think I owe to other people. So the laundry might not get done one day because I went to the gym--Who cares? It is just not that serious and I would rather do the laundry on my days off and make sure that I give myself time to take care of myself during the week. Which brings me to the job: I'm either going to quit or cut back to part time. It's too stressful for me right now to do this. The kids are too hard and it's killing my sanity. I am definitely cut out for office work. Being a receptionist or a secretary or personal assistant would be ideal. I'm good at that, it allows me to manage things the way I want them done, and I'm not worried that I'll ruin someone's life. Sure, I may still get cursed out from time to time, but I imagine it will be less frequent--and at the very least then I can file a harassment lawsuit for a hostile work environment if it's not my customers doing it. If it is? Who cares because I probably won't see them again anyway. I'm going to go to grad school not this August, but next. I'm not sure yet for what. I may start in the spring if I can. Perhaps Industrial/Organizational psychology, maybe Health and Human Performance with a concentration in public and community health or even health service administration, maybe even a master's in professional studies, which is sort of the liberal arts degree of the MA/MS programs.

Basically it comes down to this: If I want to save my relationship and my sanity I have to actually save myself instead of continuously throwing myself on the ground to make sure that everyone else's needs are met. The self-sacrificing martyrdom doesn't get me anywhere and in the end, it only makes me and everyone else unhappy who has to deal with me. So the moral of the story, kids is you do you, and for the first time I'm finally going to let me do me.
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