dream_inspired

moving on

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:13:41 GMT

Moving out of the house within the next 2-4 weeks. Being on my own alone will be interesting. It will be hard, but I will make it work. More importantly, when the little love nest over here breaks up (and it will, oh believe me it will), then I have already told my landlord that I want MY damn house back. Then again, I don't want to have to mow the grass. In any event, that's where I am. There was a lot of yelling and crying and fighting this morning. Mostly from me. She just sort of sat there like she wasn't hearing anything at all, or like she doesn't give a fuck that I've wasted the last year of my life being jerked around after she threw away the first year we spent together back in February. So...here's to a new chapter, and a new life. On to bigger and better things.

oh hell no

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:17:10 GMT

Fuck that last post. Fuck the person I was trying so hard to better myself for. She broke up with me. Again. And once more? I am devastated. FML.

Revelation

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 04:18:09 GMT

Y'all, I'm an idiot. I can't believe it took me until almost 25 to realize this plain and simple truth in life: I control my own happiness. For my whole life I've lived for other people doing things to make them happy and content and I never really bothered doing it for myself. Even now, in the midst of another rough patch between me and Ashley (Oh, I never mentioned we got back together in April, did I? Well, we did.) which is mostly my fault all I can do is ask "What can I do to fix this? How can I make you happy" and the answer has been there all along. My depression is what drives her away--how sad, negative, and generally miserable I am. So what can I do to fix it and make her happy? Duh. I need to make myself happy. How can I expect to give anyone a level of fulfillment and happiness when I can't find it in myself? That's silly. If I'm sad and depressed all the time, how could anyone be happy around me? It's like a black hole.

So here is my stand: I'm going to start taking care of myself. Not that I will stop taking care of others, because I do enjoy it, but there are things where I'm going to let them fend for themselves instead of trying to do for everyone. I'm going to stop worrying about how other people perceive me or my actions--not to say that I will be careless or inconsiderate, but I will not let the opinions of others remain the be-all and end-all of what I do. I will give myself permission to do things that make me happy regardless of what I think I owe to other people. So the laundry might not get done one day because I went to the gym--Who cares? It is just not that serious and I would rather do the laundry on my days off and make sure that I give myself time to take care of myself during the week. Which brings me to the job: I'm either going to quit or cut back to part time. It's too stressful for me right now to do this. The kids are too hard and it's killing my sanity. I am definitely cut out for office work. Being a receptionist or a secretary or personal assistant would be ideal. I'm good at that, it allows me to manage things the way I want them done, and I'm not worried that I'll ruin someone's life. Sure, I may still get cursed out from time to time, but I imagine it will be less frequent--and at the very least then I can file a harassment lawsuit for a hostile work environment if it's not my customers doing it. If it is? Who cares because I probably won't see them again anyway. I'm going to go to grad school not this August, but next. I'm not sure yet for what. I may start in the spring if I can. Perhaps Industrial/Organizational psychology, maybe Health and Human Performance with a concentration in public and community health or even health service administration, maybe even a master's in professional studies, which is sort of the liberal arts degree of the MA/MS programs.

Basically it comes down to this: If I want to save my relationship and my sanity I have to actually save myself instead of continuously throwing myself on the ground to make sure that everyone else's needs are met. The self-sacrificing martyrdom doesn't get me anywhere and in the end, it only makes me and everyone else unhappy who has to deal with me. So the moral of the story, kids is you do you, and for the first time I'm finally going to let me do me.

in the end it doesn't even matter

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:47:30 GMT

Ashley and I broke up.

I am destroyed, devastated, shattered...and many other adjectives to describe heartbroken.

Don't know if I'll be back to the LJ scene for a while. Love you all.

on the subject of getting healthy

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 07:11:10 GMT

You would think that doing all these wonderful things to your body to make you healthier would be this energy-filled ride of goodness that went from feeling great because you're eating all the right things right on over to the endorphin highs from working out. Well--it's not. You stress over calories and fat (and carbs if you're not me. I'm not even messing with that shit yet). You're paying out the ass for fresh fruits and vegetables at the grocery store. You get up early and bust your ass at the gym...and then you work a full time (or more) job on top of all of it. Losing weight feels like a damned full time job all by itself. *sigh* 20 lbs down though since October--only 70 more to go?

D-E-D dead.

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 08:50:09 GMT

I am so exhausted and sleep deprived I can't even begin to explain. Tuesday I worked the 4-12 shift, which is all fine and normal...except that the toilet did some weird back flow thing at work and my shiftworker and I were skipping around in two inches of standing water while the alarms kept going off because water went down through the ceiling and into the fire alarm box. That was great fun. Didn't leave until 3 a.m. Came home, dinked around, sleep. I got up for good around 3 p.m. after getting up on and off that morning. Fine. I didn't have to go back to work until midnight anyway. I was hoping to catch a nap around 9 or 10...but no such luck. Went to work at midnight. Literally from the time I walked in the door at 11:45 p.m. until noon today did I cook Christmas dinner for the girls, their families, and staff at the group home. I clocked out just before 3 p.m. That's 15 hours, my dears--and I was awake for over 24 hours. So I came home and took about an hour nap, maybe it was two. Got up again so that I wouldn't sleep all afternoon/evening and then stay up all night because lo, I have to go back to work at 8 am for a double shift until midnight. So I stay up until about 9 and go to sleep...then...one of my coworkers fucking CALLS ME at midnight to ask who is working overnight. It's not me, so why are you calling? omfg?? So here I am...three hours of sleep, well, five I guess in the last 36 hours and I have to get up in four hours to go and work a 16 hour day. Again. At least my paycheck will be bangin' provided I make it through. I've already started getting tremors and nausea from lack of sleep (wtf, srsly? I'm only 24 I should be able to stay up all night for at least another six years). I try to sleep now.

P.S. I hope y'all had a great Christmas for those who celebrated. ♥

Holding on and holding out...for what?

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:47:13 GMT

It occurred to me sometime around the ass-crack of dawn this morning that I keep waiting and waiting for something that isn't going to change. Prior to this revelation it was just waiting for my partner to have a job because then it wouldn't be so hard to make the bills each month. Prior to that it was waiting for soccer season to be over so that I could actually see her at all. Now here we are in the swing of things--she has not one but two jobs and soccer is over...and yet? I still don't get to see her, nor do we really have any extra money. So this is what it's like being a grown up, eh? Two people who are so in love with each other (and rest assured that I AM so in love with her. I want to spend my life with her.) working their asses off so that they can stay together and be comfortable and happy and yet...because they're working their asses off they don't see each other? How is that supposed to make anything better?

I just broke down and cried last night because I was so excited that I got off work early and would get to spend time with her--only to realize that she needed sleep because she'd agreed to take her friend to the airport at some ridiculous hour this morning. I lost it. I don't know why, but I did. It just feels like I'm swimming against the tide. I work a lot of overtime at work. My shifts are no less than 9 hours and I pull at least one 10-12 hour shift a week. Any time work is offered--I take it, because I know we need it. Today Ashley is working 7 hours on one shift and then 4-5 on another one. By the time I come home she'll be so exhausted she can hardly communicate clearly. We'll both be irritated because we're tired and we'll start snapping at each other because one of us will take the other's comment out of context. There's not even a reason for us to fight. It's ridiculous, this being grown thing. In another month we'll add school back on top of our jobs. Then the fighting will commence about studying and getting projects and papers done because I am a very type-A (and straight-A if I can help it) student and at this point she just wants to get out of their with a diploma. This will be made even MORE fun by the fact that my laptop is shot to hell and my desktop doesn't work worth a damn either. And then...the bills. I have been far too irresponsible with money the last few months and it's making things hard on me now. After January I'll finally be out of the holes I've put myself in and after that I just have to work on staying out of them. I have to convince her to stay out of the same holes as well because with combined finances we're responsible for the shit the other person gets into.

I'm just so frustrated with everything, and the root of all of it: money. Our economy sucks and money sucks for everyone right now. I'm blessed to have a job that pays well for the market around here. My job is secure. My job alone can support us IF we're careful with our finances, which we blatantly haven't been. I need to sit down and look very hard at our budget to make allowances out for the frivolous things we've been doing and then stick to it. Again, I hate being grown. We had considered buying a house this summer if our finances were in order, but honestly, that's just another stress right now that I can't mentally cope with. I'm good with finding another, albeit larger, apartment at the end of our lease here. Our apartment now is large for a one-bedroom but it's far too small to hold everything. Thus--everything is a cluttered mess and no matter how much I try to catch up or keep up with housework...it just never ends. By the time I've even washed all of the laundry (forget putting it away), there's already another three loads ready to go. Dishes are worse because we don't have a dishwasher and I hate HATE touching dirty dishes. I'll put clean ones away all day long but touching the dirty ones freak me out. And yet, what choice do I have? Because as bad as touching dirty dishes freaks me out getting wet freaks Ashley out more and she point-blank refuses to wash dishes and will be in a completely pissy mood if I can convince her to help. It's not worth it. I'd rather just wash them myself. I need to vacuum, sweep, mop...prove that I have a floor in any of the three rooms in our house beneath various piles of clothes, boxes, and bags. I'm about to snap.

So this weekend--it's on. Ashley has some dance recital thing to do on Saturday night and has to work on Sunday--but I...I have nothing. So this house is going to be seriously ravaged. The sheer amount of shit I plan on getting rid of is staggering and I don't plan on taking any prisoners. This is probably going to cause another fight, but at this point...I don't care. I can fight all day long, and this time I'm going to win. I can't live in this house looking like this. I'm too mentally tired from my job to have to come home and then wrap my head around how I can stand living like a hobo and not do anything about it. So that's it, I'm done. I'm declaring war on my house and by God it's going to be amazing by Sunday night. I just need a lot of prayer to get me through Thursday and Friday.

...after that. I'm declaring war on my body (again) and my sleep schedule. 2009 is coming up fast and I need to be in the position to hit the ground running. No warm-ups this time.

sdoiusdf;lasjdfDIENORTONDIE

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:41:33 GMT

Hi, I'm going to throw my laptop. :) Windows says OH HAY THAR U HAZ TROJAN MAAAAAANZ. Norton is like "I don't see anything lalalalalalalalalalala" and every time I try to open IE it's like "YOU DUMB BITCH I TOL' YOU THATCHO SECURITY IS COMPROMISED!!" and closes. So that leaves me trying to navigate she_inspired_me's effing mac to download the spyware programs I want and then transfer them onto my computer. Of course I have to get my ass handed to me by the mac first so I can scream at it for a few minutes. Now...I wait while scans happen (on the mac...sigh) because Norton again said LOL NOPE NOTHING THERE to see if these other two programs are more intelligent than the one that I paid for. This is most off-putting. And with that, I'm going to shower and go to work.

So where we left off...

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 04:20:27 GMT

Gosh it's been a while since I've posted. What a slacker. I didn't end up working over 100 hours that week like I'd posted I would. In fact I only ended up working a little less than 80. My grandpa died and I had to attend the funeral. It was sad, but the family was ready and so was he.

Also since the last post I celebrated the one year mark with my amazing partner she_inspired_me. She made me a fantastic anniversary "treasure chest" filled with lots of cute little things that reminded her of our relationship from the past year. She put clues in my favorite childhood book so I had to read through it and go "hunting" in the treasure chest for what went with each clue. It was incredibly sweet. I got her the wii and wii fit, which we've both had fun playing with.

On the weight front, I've lost 13 lbs. w00t! This excites me immensely. So that's only what...another 80 lbs to go? I don't think I'll ever get to the 150 mark. I'm good at about 165. I like my features rounded out. It just works better with the way I'm build structurally.

...it seemed like I had a lot more to say here buuuuut I lost my train of thought so...meh.

Random thoughts: Alice/Bella and Carlisle/Bella...way hotter on Twifandom if you must go there. I mean come ON. Alice is just pretty much the greatest character in the book and Carlisle? Daddy issues AHOY!! Also for the haters who are going to think less of me for reading the books: Stuff it. I can read it with a sense of humor, okay? It's like crack and I realize it's probably the most ridiculous thing on this earth but I just don't know how to quit it. Don't judge me. :(

Weekend? We don't need no stinkin' weekend!

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:53:52 GMT

Epic fail. Today is Wednesday, Nov 5th. I will not have a day off until Friday, Nov 14th. This will include a working 4p-12a on Sunday, followed by going back to work for a 16 hour double shift on Monday from 8a-12a. I can only hope that my boss will have mercy and let me go home at 10 when the girls have gone to bed and the other shift worker is there, but I'm not holding my breath. I may also get lucky and convince one of the part time girls to come in from 4-12 to make up some hours. I hope. I really really hope. I don't want to work a double shift after working 7 days straight and still have Tues, Weds, and Thurs. However...four day weekend, which will be made of awesome and win.

I'll clock over 100 hours on this pay period when I sign my time card. A shame that a lot of that will get eaten with taxes and my pension, but hey--it's never to early to start saving for the future. I've saved nearly $500 in the three months I've been working and since I never get the money, I never miss it. It's been a good thing. I should consider investing. I need to call my financial advisor. Hell. When did I have to start doing all this grown up stuff? Bollocks!

As an aside, because I have to mention it--I'm so pleased that Obama won. I certainly never thought I'd see the day when we had a black president but I am amazed and so over the moon that people overcame prejudices in order to vote him into office. I think this country needed a breath of fresh air and someone new in the political arena to move past the old ways of the past and hopefully towards a better future. The state of the world, the state of our country...it's not the same as it's always been. We need more dynamic approaches to the problems facing us. For once, I feel like there is hope that there will be a change.

With that said, I'm really disappointed at all the gay marriage bans that passed and the "no adoptions for unmarried couples" read: gays. You're not that clever, Arkansas. I see what you did there. But we're not done. We will not be silently swept under the rug. I know *I* certainly won't. I am not a second-class citizen. I am not "less" because I'm a lesbian. I deserve the same rights as everyone else--I certainly pay the same taxes as everyone else! It's not even a marriage issue to me. I don't care if I step foot in a church and have a priest do it or not (although I have one that would. :) ) but on a federal, governmental level, my rights should be recognized. Don't call it marriage if it freaks you out. Call it a civil union, domestic partnership, whatever. As long as my rights are the same rights as those married individuals. There is no reason that states should be voting on this. It's not a state's rights issue. It's a HUMAN rights issue and the government needs to stop pussyfooting around it and worrying about pissing off the church and give me my damned rights as a human being. There is no reason I should be contained to one state or another because my partnership is recognized or not. Fuck that. Recognize it wherever I go and stfu. My partnership does not affect YOUR marriage. I'm not going to unravel the fabric of "traditional family". Heteros do that well enough with their sky-high divorce rates. So kindly go away and give me my rights. Thanks! Love your hair.

Finally, the weekend!

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:37:24 GMT

I'm so glad this week is over y'all, seriously. One thing after another.

Monday: my coworker was v. sick...girls were actually in a great mood.

Tuesday: coworker still sick...girls still in a good mood, thank God.

Wednesday: FAMILY NIGHT, because the girls aren't pissy enough without their pissy ass parents around (I'm not serious with that statement, most of the parents are very nice and friendly, particularly A's and M's moms.) No, it was just the girls acting like they'd lost their minds and had no idea about the group home rules--fine, whatever, we get through it. We also get in a new girl, J. J has some pretty serious mental issues, including reactive attachment disorder and is borderline MR (mentally retarded). Fortunately since she came in on that night it was easy to have a lot of staff pay attention to her and welcome her to the group home because the parents and therapist were keeping my other little hellions busy.

Thursday: I go talk to my advisor at school--I don't have to take that French Lit class, yay! I only have to take two more classes to graduate--double yay! So I'm going to take Human Sexuality and Marriage and the Family. I walk home, a mile, from school to the house and then take a nap prior to work. I wake up from a two hour nap only to find that I've gone from feeling perfectly healthy to dying. These girls really have just straight up lost their damn minds. Everyone with the attitude tonight. Had to tell A to wipe that smartass smirk off her face when she talks to me. She continued being hateful, we put her ass out in the hallway at a tiny little table with some busy work on social skills to do. And she gets to sit out there for three or so hours. Sucks to be her. Go away now.

Friday: I have the flu. omg. Well, A is better at least. M is in a good moood for a change and is so painfully pregnant that I don't know how she'll make it to the 10th. BipolarK is...bipolar, want to slap her today. LoudmouthK...is loud, and irritating, and got pissed at me because her mom wouldn't answer the phone. That's because she probably doesn't want to talk to you. Shaving night is also on Fridays, yay, everyone take turns in the front bathroom with the door open and me sitting right there. No, you can't shave your vajayjay--no one in here wants to see that, and you're not getting any, so stfu. And then J...goes slice. With coworker sitting right there. Oh, no big deal, a lot of people cut themselves shaving...except like that, because it was a vertical cut like she'd turned the razor sideways. J is a known cutter. We confront her--she admits to doing it on purpose because she was having a "flashback". We don't make a big deal out of it, just bandage her and send her on her way...this does not please her because she's used to people freaking out. Then, I have to go with her to take a shower and make her leave the door open while I supervise. Yay for child pr0n? Negative. I brought in scary movies, so they watched An American Haunting and The Others. I spend an hour filling out the new med sheets for November (boo), and then I ended up writing all 5 shift progress notes instead of just 2 or 3 because I was bored and killing time while my coworkers and boss talked. Left work, drove around because Ashley wasn't home and I didn't want to go home by myself. Give up, go home finally and she arrives a few minutes later being towed by a friend. Yay, drunken, puking girlfriends. She's currently passed out in the bathroom floor. Overall though, the day managed not to suck, which is awesome, aside from the flu, which is fail on a stick.

Hoping to feel better tomorrow since Ash and I have plans to get our singstar on over at Mel's house. ♥

and I'm done :D

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:34:37 GMT

I got my early voting on this afternoon. Only 8 min and 26 sec from the time I walked into the building until the time I got my "I voted" sticker and walked out. In my county more people have voted in the eary voting in the last 6 days than ANYONE voted in the '06 election. I think it's awesome that so many people are letting their votes count--regardless of their vote. It's not just a right, y'all, it's a civic duty. And now...off to work.

my registration--let me show you it

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:14:34 GMT

I got my new voter's reg card in the mail today. Yay! Now I can go and do that whole early voting thing before the end of the month. This also pleases me greatly.

We're getting a new girl into the group home today. From what I hear she's just a hot mess but is funny as hell. This I am also looking forward to as a break from the whiny-ass drama queens I have in there now. Oooooh I'm pregnant. Oooooh my mouth hurts and I need more pain medication. Oooooh everything hurts ALL the time and EVERYONE hates me. *facepalm* Gotta love teenage girls. They've got more drama than you can possibly believe. I really don't remember being THIS dramatic at that age, although my mother assures me that I was. Thank God I can just sit back now and laugh at it.

Because I'm bored and waiting on my lady.

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 17:27:06 GMT

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:

1. You're an awful, terrible, hateful person who can't STAND for anyone else to be happy because you're too stuck in your own miserable life to care about anyone else.

2. Up until last November you could have had me back--no questions asked. I would have left everything, given up everything and everyone to be with you. But I'm happier now than I ever was with you, or even the thought of you, so I'm glad you never asked, because I would have missed out on the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't really miss you anymore.

3. I like you well enough, but so help me God if you don't stop your bitching--it's not THAT bad.

4. I know I play it off like a joke when I say I want you to move here, but I really do. I miss you so bad I want to cry.

5. You should have had an abortion. You'd be much happier.

6. She was way too good for you to have treated her like shit. Karma is a bitch.

7. I wish you had been the one that night, it would have been MUCH more fun.

8. I'm gay, and I don't care if you think I'm going to burn. My God is the one who makes that decision, and we've talked--we're cool.

9. You've been a great help to me, I just wish you weren't like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

10. I hope you don't turn out like your mother.

Nine Things About Myself:

1. I'm way too sarcastic for my own good.

2. I'm actively passive-aggressive. Ask me how THAT works. lol

3. I still sleep with the same blanket that was in my crib at twenty-four years old.

4. Anything and everything that hurts me can be cured by a big fluffy purring ball of kitty.

5. Almost a year later I still think my girlfriend is the hottest thing to walk this planet, but now, I know that she thinks the same thing about me.

6. I'm getting a worthless bachelor's degree and am dreading the thought of grad school.

7. I'm really not that complicated.

8. I love to belly dance and can't wait to start lessons again.

9. I will always regret not having more fun in high school and college.

Eight Ways to Win My Heart:

1. Be a prince. No, really. Be a real prince. (I'm keeping this one. I have my Prince Charming)

2. Kiss me on the nose and call me beautiful.

3. Write little notes and leave them places I'll find them.

4. Don't lie to me.

5. Give me space.

6. Grab my hand when we're just hanging out and kiss it.

7. Look me in the eye when you say "I love you"

8. Hug me from behind and kiss the back of my neck or my shoulder.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:

1. Ashley

2. Bills

3. My mom

4. My girls

5. Food

6. Finding the motivation to work out

7. Whether or not I look fat in what I'm wearing

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:

1. check myspace, facebook, perezhilton, & livejournal

2. brush my teeth

3. set my alarm, if I'm going to

4. arrange my side of the bed

5. strip

6. pull Ashley over to lay on my chest (then push her back off when I'm ready to sleep--LOL)

Five People Who Mean a Lot:

1. My muzzah

2. My Ashley

3. My Lala

4. My Mildred

5. My Monster

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:

1. faded green Ireland t-shirt

2. the most comfy sweat pants EVER

3. a very colorful thong

4. sneakers, because my toe hurts less with shoes on

Three Songs I Listen to a Lot: [at the moment]

1. So What - Pink

2. Whatever You Like - T.I.

3. I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry (it's my ring tone. :P)

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:

1. Travel

2. Get married to the love of my life

One Confession:

I still make wishes on stars, dandelion fluff, and anything else.

Ella is fail.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:41:19 GMT

Ella is fail. Toe is broken. Hate is rampant.

in which Ella actually loves her job

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 06:24:56 GMT

Today made my job worth all the irritation and frustration. I got a letter from a girl who just left (after asking her where it was--she left it in her drawer, lol) and it was so sweet. I'm sure, knowing her, that half of it was probably BS, or at least most people there would tell me that, but I think that it's just best that I believe she meant it because that makes me feel like I'm doing some good in the world. ~~I don't have the letter with me as I write this, so I can't do it word for word, but I'm going to do the gist because seriously? I cried.~~ ETA the whole letter. :)

Amanda,
Heller! How are you durin? (this is an inside joke for us at the group home) Haha, I'm gonna miss you Amanda. You always crack me up, but I know I will be talking to you on myspace. Thank you for helping me with everything. I look up to you. You've helped me do the thing I would never do, stop cussing lol. Please show patience w/the girls they're struggling the same way I did. It's hard. You have the perfect job and you're very good at it. You're a beautiful person and I'm gonna miss our sillyness! Madear! I love you! Don't forget about me.

I SERIOUSLY CRIED PEOPLE! It was incredibly touching. I was expecting something about "Oh, I'll miss you. You're funny. Talk to you soon" but not all that. It melts my little frozen heart. Hehe. So yes, I just thought I'd share because as much as I bitch about wanting to strangle my girls I really do like my job most of the time and this is just the icing on the cake. ♥

crack a book!

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:11:40 GMT

- Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
- Open the book to page 123.
- Find the fifth sentence.
- Post the next three sentences.
- Tag five people

. . From The Only Alien On The Planet by Kristen D. Randle (yes, I'm reading it again for probably the 12th time. I don't know how to quit this book).

"I screwed up my courage and looked him in the face. He was staring at me. 'How do you do these things?" he said."

TAG -- ...whoever wants to play. :D

ETA Lala's other meme, because, why the hell not?

1) Post a list of five things you currently love/like, and five things you currently hate/dislike.
2) They can be people, places, things, ideas, whatever.
3) Tag five people to do this.

LOVE

1. working out
2. kitty cats
3. windy, fall days.
4. watching ashley play soccer.
5. laughing 'til I can't breathe.

HATE

1. working out (notice this dichotomy, yes?)
2. being yelled at.
3. that i'm going to have to work on the holidays.
4. "doing the right thing" when it comes to the mother in law.
5. driving.

Aaaand I'm tagging whoever wants to do this one too.

I </3 inlaws

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 20:05:50 GMT

Ashley's mother and I...well, we don't really see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. I owe this to the fact that I have some sense of logical reason whereas she has...none. She doesn't like me. At. All. This isn't because I've been mean, rude, disrespectful or anything else. Au contraire. When I met her I was incredibly nice, but she spent most of the time pretending I didn't exist. Whatever. I'm okay with that. I'm in love with her daughter, not her, and I can handle her not liking me.

But then...last night.

Ashley is on the phone with her relaying the story of her coach's "motivational" speech about how Ashley was fat, slow, and out of shape this season (she's not, for the record any of those things). And her mother says to her: "I hope you're not making excuses. I hope you're not letting Amanda bring you down. She's a hefty girl you know."

BITCH I KNOW MY WEIGHT 'KAY? BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RUDE ABOUT IT!

Needless to say, I'm done with that woman. Gone are the vestiges of hospitality and politesse. Come senior night when she's down here next month, she is not welcome in my house. Period. I haven't disrespected her like that and I will NOT tolerate her classless bigotry. Why can't she just say what her real issue is? "I hate you because you made my daughter gay." Which by the way, I didn't. Y'all, seriously. You could see that shit from space. I knew the second I saw her. But that's not the point. The point is: have some common decency please? My mother didn't like Ashley a whole lot at first, but now we all hang out and play cards and occasionally go out to dinner and have a few drinks and life is NORMAL...ish. Tammy has known now for seven months and still hasn't budged as far as I'm concerned. Whatever though. I'm done with her.

Also--am still doing battle with the head cold from hell. I'll be glad when I'm back to normal. I got sick and I heard THAT crap on my birthday? I hope that's not foreshadowing for the rest of the year.

bday forecast + update

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:20:30 GMT

Well, tomorrow is officially marks the end of my 24th year on this planet, so I'll be working towards the big 2-5 after that. This means a few things. First of all, I'm officially in my "mid" twenties, which for some reason sounds so much worse than early twenties and I don't even want to consider what happens at 27 when I move into my "late" twenties. No one really minds getting older when they're young because they don't think they will. I'll probably be devastated when I turn 30. Anyway, so back to the list of things it means: mid-twenties, and now, I only have one year left to lose a metric asston of weight before my metabolism drops again (that usually happens at around 25 yanno). Ah, if only I weren't such a slacker that hated to work out. I mean if I hated eating that would balance out, but as it turns out--I really love to eat. Fail.

Also, since Ashley is out of town my birthday forecast is pretty much: partly laundry with a chance of dishes. A mop front should be moving in late afternoon, but there's little chance of vacuuming (as mine is broken). Also, there might be a few pop up lunch and/or dinner plans centering around Chinese food and possibly pizza. Mostly, I think there will be sleeping. And I probably should make myself go to the gym since my last 365 days of decent metabolism will be ticking. Hehehehe.

Work is going fine. I only want to lock them in a basement about 2/3 of the time. I've been told we're going to get more in, which is stressing me. I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to go to Ashley's senior night, which stresses me even more. She tried to rationalize with me that it wouldn't be the end of the world because she's missing my birthday, but really--God willing, I'll have a birthday next year, but she won't have another senior night. Depressing! I'll just be glad when soccer is over and done with so that I have my weekends to spend time with her. At least then I won't feel so bad about coming home after she's gone to bed and being gone when she comes home. It would be nice if she got her job back at UPS again for the holiday season. Then her schedule would be closer to mine.

The prospect of graduation looms ever-closer. As long as I pass these next four classes I'll be golden. Not that I've ever been worried about passing. I'm pretty sure I'll pull an A in history and close to that in social work. French sci-fi next semester though? Oh...I don't even know about that. I don't remember a whole lot of French, definitely not enough to know the obscure sci-fi terminology. Ah well, looks like I'll have plenty of time to just sit in the chair in the hall at work and look up words in a French dictionary anyway. I may invest in an aircard for the laptop. Another $50 a month blows, but at least then I could do my classes while I sat there. I also need to start thinking about grad school at some point. Mom thinks I should take a few years off to get my finances in order, and really, I don't think it's a terrible idea. On the other hand, I don't want to continue in my current position forever. I want to be able to move up in the company and maybe become a case worker or therapist--both of which is going to require a master's in something because a degree in French won't cut it. I want to have a position where I'm guaranteed holidays off (outside of phone calls anyway--that's fine, at least then I could go and see family). I do love where I work though. I love the people. I love the company. The benefits are awesome. The pay is good for this area.

Also, I think as a present to myself I may go get my nose pierced. I've wanted to for a while, and I think it's cute on everyone who I've seen with it. I guess I should ask about the policy regarding that at work, even if a couple of my coworkers have theirs done

a-buh?

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:42:19 GMT

You'd think something like this would be common sense--rape victims would never have to pay for their own medication exam after the rape, right? ...RIGHT? Not so much.

Thanks to rotting_orange for the link.

'tis the season, gals

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:17:11 GMT

Taken from my friend, Jessie. Just a reminder to all you ladies about what was given for us to vote. Read on:

This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers; they lived only 90 years ago.

Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote.

And by the end of the night, they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden's blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of 'obstructing sidewalk traffic.'

(Lucy Burns)

They beat Lucy Burns, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging fo! r the ni ght, bleeding and gasping for air.

They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

Thus unfolded the 'Night of Terror' on Nov. 15, 1917, when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson's White House for the right to vote. For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms.

(Alice Paul)

When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/collections/suffrage/nwp/prisoners.pdf

http://rainbowzine.com/media/womens_history_month_the_19th_amendment_0304.htm

So, refresh my memory. Some women won't vote this year because--why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn't matter? It's raining?

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO's new movie 'Iron Jawed Angels.' It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder. All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege.

Sometimes it was inconvenient.

My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women's history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was--with herself. 'One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,' she said. 'What would those women think of the way I use, or don't use, my right to vote? All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.'

The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her 'all over again.'

HBO released the movie on video and DVD . I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum I want it shown on Bunco night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn't our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and b rave. That didn't make her crazy. The doctor admonished the men: 'Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.'

Please, if you are so inclined, pass this on to all the women you know.

We need to get out and vote and use this right that was fought so hard for by these very courageous women. Whether you vote democratic, republican or independent party - remember to vote.

History is being made.

LOL!!!

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:36:10 GMT

You all will seriously love this. http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/6823297.html

Maybe Republicans should try their hand at honesty

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 22:19:27 GMT

...instead of trying to cover up things that only "happen" to Democrats and liberals--like being gay and having kids too young. No, instead, they want to lie about things. Check out this story about Republican veep nominee Sarah Palin. Read all the way through it. Let's just add this onto the pile of her being anti-gay and anti-abortion and pro-religious craziness.

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/8/30/121350/137/486/580223

Take it like a man, granny!

Fare thee well!

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:05:49 GMT

To everyone heading out to Dragon*Con today: Have a bloody good time!

a labor of love

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:52:12 GMT

There are days that I absolutely HATE my job. There are days that I absolutely LOVE my job. Most often, there are days when I feel both extremes at some point during my shift. In spite of all of that, I want my girls to succeed. I want them to rise above the circumstances that got them into this group home. I want them to understand that their life is what they make it and that being "cool" is not the most important thing in the world. I want them to understand that listening to rap music and throwing up gang signs does not give you street credibility. I want them to understand that having street cred isn't all that important. I want my seventeen year old to go to college in the spring. I want my fourteen year old to realize how much she's going to have to give up in order to keep this baby growing inside of her. I want my fifteen year old to use her brains to achieve and lift up rather than manipulate and bring down. I want my newest edition to value herself more than as just a girlfriend and not let her boyfriend control her. But more than anything, I want them to be happy, successful, confident young women

I'm not sure if what I do with them every day makes a difference to them, but I hope that somewhere along the way it does because all of them have made a difference to me.